anxiety and the pain it brings...

I've fallen, it's that day i knew was coming where i just hit the ground hard and i wonder if i can get up. I love my life I do, but now it's that time where i have to start to finally deal with everything that has happend. I never dealt with everything. I just pushed it on the back burner and covered it up with bullshit and called it ''coping''. I didn't cope with anything. Everyone thinks that if you just stop talking about it, it goes away. Well it doesn't fucking go away. It sits in the back of your mind and grows, and naws at your conscience. It eats away at you until you are fucking sick. You are tired, and you're crying, and you're just sick. My entire life I have just had to deal with everything. I convinced everyone and even myself at some points that I was fine. Then over a year ago i decided to try something new...and that was just to NOT deal with anything. I started pouring alcohol and drugs all over my problems. Which has only made for bigger problems. It's taken me until now to realize. I became everything i have always despised. It's time to change. It's time to be a part of my own life, take charge of my own fucking life. I have so much going for me. I have an amazing girl and I could just piss her away. I just need to fucking slow down. Everything has just happend so fast the last year. my life did a complete 180. A year ago I was going to UAA...I was partying it up and i didn't give a shit about anything. I was still checking out guys, looking for that ''perfect boyfriend'' I realized i was in love with a girl, but by that time we had both played so many games and beat the shit out of the love we had....it didn't work out at all. I lost my best friend. I lost myself. I moved home, back to fucking valdez, where i sat depressed. I poured more alcohol and drugs on my problems. I came out to my parents my mom made my life impossible...and then i came out to the town. I was sick this entire summer, and then i found myself driving around at 5 in the morning with this beautiful girl...and the timing was just horrible. I was so messed up. I was smoking weed everyday and eating anxiety medication like it was candy. I got so wrapped up in her i forgot about everything else...and it was nice. She was a new addiction...another escape i thought. But she ended up being more, and now she's my everything. She wants me to deal with everything. She lets me know when i'm just fucking up. I hate that she has to deal with this. I want to be the best person ever for her. I don't ever want to hurt her. Picking up these pieces is going to take time. I decided i need to go see my dad, I need to go see my grandma. I need to face all of that before i can move on. I need to start asking beth for help instead of pushing her away. I need help. I'm happy, I really am. I have a lot of shit to figure out...i have a lot of pieces to pick up...and it will happen. I just need to learn that it's okay to lean on someone. I need to remember I'm in a relationship now. I can't be cold and distant...i'm not alone anymore. I need to open up. Feeling vulnerable is just so scary. I love her and she's not going to hurt me because she loves me too. I wish someone understood how i felt right now. Not emotionally but physically. I hate my anxiety. It really does make me want to die. I'm shaking, my entire body is tense and it hurts. My shoulders are burning. My stomache is burning...i've thrown up so much i just sit and dry heave. I cry, i cry because it hurts. I get so scared, I can't sleep. I can't eat. I just breathe and cry. It just brings me back to every horrible memory. Every other time I felt like this. Everyone tells me i do this to myself. I used to think the same thing...like i really did have control of it. I don't though. Everyone said i would grow out of it...i havn't. I'm still the same kid curled up on the bathroom floor. I'm alone when it's happening..nobody can be there for me. I'm just alone. It's the scariest place i've ever been. Nobody knows. Why am i fucking like this? Why did i have to be this way, and feel this way? I hate my anxiety...it controls my fucking life.