I wish you were here....

My girlfriend gets home tonight! Well it's kind of tomorrow morning, but before i go to sleep i will be all wrapped up in her arms in our bed. I can't wait! I miss her so much GAHHHH!!! For now I need to go teddy bear shopping, and clean the rest of our house. I made a pretty good attempt yesterday. It doesn't look as bad. The laundry is just out of control. Ugh.

anxiety and the pain it brings...

I've fallen, it's that day i knew was coming where i just hit the ground hard and i wonder if i can get up. I love my life I do, but now it's that time where i have to start to finally deal with everything that has happend. I never dealt with everything. I just pushed it on the back burner and covered it up with bullshit and called it ''coping''. I didn't cope with anything. Everyone thinks that if you just stop talking about it, it goes away. Well it doesn't fucking go away. It sits in the back of your mind and grows, and naws at your conscience. It eats away at you until you are fucking sick. You are tired, and you're crying, and you're just sick. My entire life I have just had to deal with everything. I convinced everyone and even myself at some points that I was fine. Then over a year ago i decided to try something new...and that was just to NOT deal with anything. I started pouring alcohol and drugs all over my problems. Which has only made for bigger problems. It's taken me until now to realize. I became everything i have always despised. It's time to change. It's time to be a part of my own life, take charge of my own fucking life. I have so much going for me. I have an amazing girl and I could just piss her away. I just need to fucking slow down. Everything has just happend so fast the last year. my life did a complete 180. A year ago I was going to UAA...I was partying it up and i didn't give a shit about anything. I was still checking out guys, looking for that ''perfect boyfriend'' I realized i was in love with a girl, but by that time we had both played so many games and beat the shit out of the love we had....it didn't work out at all. I lost my best friend. I lost myself. I moved home, back to fucking valdez, where i sat depressed. I poured more alcohol and drugs on my problems. I came out to my parents my mom made my life impossible...and then i came out to the town. I was sick this entire summer, and then i found myself driving around at 5 in the morning with this beautiful girl...and the timing was just horrible. I was so messed up. I was smoking weed everyday and eating anxiety medication like it was candy. I got so wrapped up in her i forgot about everything else...and it was nice. She was a new addiction...another escape i thought. But she ended up being more, and now she's my everything. She wants me to deal with everything. She lets me know when i'm just fucking up. I hate that she has to deal with this. I want to be the best person ever for her. I don't ever want to hurt her. Picking up these pieces is going to take time. I decided i need to go see my dad, I need to go see my grandma. I need to face all of that before i can move on. I need to start asking beth for help instead of pushing her away. I need help. I'm happy, I really am. I have a lot of shit to figure out...i have a lot of pieces to pick up...and it will happen. I just need to learn that it's okay to lean on someone. I need to remember I'm in a relationship now. I can't be cold and distant...i'm not alone anymore. I need to open up. Feeling vulnerable is just so scary. I love her and she's not going to hurt me because she loves me too. I wish someone understood how i felt right now. Not emotionally but physically. I hate my anxiety. It really does make me want to die. I'm shaking, my entire body is tense and it hurts. My shoulders are burning. My stomache is burning...i've thrown up so much i just sit and dry heave. I cry, i cry because it hurts. I get so scared, I can't sleep. I can't eat. I just breathe and cry. It just brings me back to every horrible memory. Every other time I felt like this. Everyone tells me i do this to myself. I used to think the same thing...like i really did have control of it. I don't though. Everyone said i would grow out of it...i havn't. I'm still the same kid curled up on the bathroom floor. I'm alone when it's happening..nobody can be there for me. I'm just alone. It's the scariest place i've ever been. Nobody knows. Why am i fucking like this? Why did i have to be this way, and feel this way? I hate my anxiety...it controls my fucking life.

My. World.

I have the prettiest girlfriend EVER. EVER. EVER!

Don't make love so hard...

I feel almost as though i'm easy to fall in love with but impossible to love. This may sound like it's their fault, but I think it's mine. My life started with a man that wanted to love and care for me but because of his addictions he just couldn't. So, maybe now I subconsciously look for these kinds of people...these people that have so much going on in their lives they want to love me so bad, but they can't love me past all that pain. They've put up these walls, and it's almost like since I just gave up on my dad, and said ''fuck it you hurt me, i'm never talking to you again'' I want to climb all these walls to make up for my mistake. I was young yes, but I think it's all connected. As an adult your choices are a reflection of what you learned in those earliest years. All these people fail me, and I am constantly blaming myself. I break and get back up and throw myself out there again, and I love that about myself, but i'm feeling tired. Everybody is so stuck in the past, so in love with their pasts it's hard for them to fall in love with the things sitting right here. NOW. I know things can't be easy, nothings easy, but can't I get a break? Blah....look here I am making things just as complicated, dwelling and feeling sorry for myself. Everything is going to be okay, and even if it's not I'll be okay.

ya never get hurt, ya always have fun...

I see the lights are turning

And i look outside the stars are burning

Through this changing time

It could have been anything we want

Its fine salvation was just a passing thought.

Dont wait act now

This amazing offer wont last long

Its only a chance to pave the path were on

I know there are more exciting things to talk about

And in time well sort it out

And though they say its possible to me

I dont see how its probable

I see the course were on

Spinning farther from what i know

Ill hold on

Tell me that you wont let go

Tell me that you wont let go

And truth is such a funny thing

With all these people

Keep on telling me

They know whats best

And what to be frightened of

And all the rest are wrong

They know nothing about us

And though they say its possible to me

I dont see how its probable

I see the course were on

Spinning farther from what i know

Ill hold on

Tell me that you wont let go

Tell me that you wont let go

Im not alright

This could be something beautiful

Combine our love into something wonderful

But times are tough i know

And the pull of what we cant give up takes hold

Terra Naomi is beautiful.

I love when you hear that one song that parallels exactly how you feel and you find yourself comforted and at that moment while those sounds and lyrics are flowing through your ears, filling you up, you aren't alone.

In the movie Almost Famous, Penny Lane says, ''I always tell the girls, never take it seriously, if ya never take it seriously, ya never get hurt, ya never get hurt, ya always have fun, and if you ever get lonely, just go to the record store and visit your friends."

It couldn't be said any better than that.

This concludes my thoughts momentarily.

p.s.
It's snowing, and it's wonderful!